“Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time it’s easy. All you need is love.”

I’ve always found that being single is just better. You don’t become dependent on another person, you don’t have the pain of feeling alone when you two aren’t together, and you can live your own life with out caring what anyone else thinks. But, I’ve come to realize that this is all because I haven’t found true love.
For the past five days I’ve been visiting Ethan, my boyfriend, and I was a wreck. My home life was -and sadly still is- horrible. I felt constantly numb, and I simply couldn’t function. I just lost sight of who I am as a person. But his love and patience is what brought me back to life. Little things like him reading me his favorite childhood books and drawing all over eachother with markers to make silly faces on our stomachs is just what I needed. Two days in and I felt as good as new. I took a walk down to the beach and walked down where the sound hits the shore. I felt like a five year old again. Wet sand between my toes and the waves crashing against my ankles, oh how free I felt. Suddenly, I came to a realization. Let me just add that this beach does wonders for my soul and restless mind. But, I realized that maybe all the greatest bands and artists are all right, “all you need is love”.

“I welcome the sun, the clouds and rain, the wind the sweeps the sky clean and let’s the sun shine again.”

I don’t exactly know what to say, but I feel like I need to write.

Here I am, alone, sitting on a gorgeous beach on the tip of long island. I have an amazing book, my iPod, my phone, and a pack of cigarettes but all I can do is just stare out at the sound. It’s incredibly hypnotising and I can’t understand why. But yet it’s a good thing that I can be content by just staring into space.
I’ve been out on this gorgeous part of the island for four days now and in those four days I’ve learned more than I have in 18 years. I realized that love can feel so natural and simple. Why people complicate it, well, I really don’t know. I’ve learned that arguments will arise but you need to just accept that, work through them, and let them go. Putting a damper on a relationship simply isn’t worth it. But, I’ve learned a lot about myself. I don’t need to be with other people 24/7 to have a good time. The simplesity of being by myself and just reading, or grabbing a cup of coffee and exploring a town, makes me happier than being with someone else. The greatest thing of all is that I’ve gainedy confidence back an it’s bigger than ever. I feel like I can go anywhere by myself and now feel awkward but just happy. It’s a phenominal thing.

Life is sweet in so many ways, as long as you look for it in the right places. Feeling the wind gently grace your face, or the way the sun hits the water as it’s begining to set can bring a smile to anyones face. The world is beautiful, but sometimes you need to take a step back and just appreciate the views. Ever since I have, my life has become happier, and simply amazing. I’m thankful for it every day.

“Which way should we go? Nobody knows. Oh, I’m going to race you back home”

A new summer, another year older, a brand new me.

All this new calls for a new start on this blog. I’m going to keep the music lyric theme, but it’s just going to represent me more. In a sense, I’m going to write about the little things in life that make me happy. I’m excited, and I hope people enjoy this change as well. But for now, just an update on my life, and how good it’s become.

Well, the past year I spent at SUNY Purchase. To me, it’s the most amazing place in the world. I’m in love with the people, the classes, and the vibe. Everyone is artsy, independent, and NO ONE judges anyone. It’s beautiful. I’ve learned that not every person is bad. Every person is beautiful in their own natural way, and everyone has their own way of expressing it. The only way to really understand Purchase is on a warm sunny day. Hundreds of people just sit in the field in the quad, smoke hookah, play guitar, hacky sack, play catch or throw frisbees, or practice circus stunts, and you can join in on what ever with who ever, even if they’re strangers. It’s basically like a big hippie fest back in the 60’s. I just can’t get enough. But school ends for the summer, and then you go home to reality to see who is still your friend, and who’s changed for the better.

I’m home now and things are really different. I only have one true friend from last summer, and that’s Jamie. Everyone else has changed so much, and not exactly for the better. They’ve just become a click that hooks up with each other and smokes. It honestly seems like they have such sad lives. They don’t know how to just kick back and enjoy and appreciate the beauty of nature and simple things. So all summer Jamie, our friend Emma, and her boyfriend JK (nickname, I swear), have been hanging out. We’ve played with sidewalk chalk, went on adventures to take pictures, and play with bubbles (especially giant bubbles). We can lay out in the grass all afternoon and just talk, hookah, and watch the clouds go by. It’s something I will never take for granted.

The only awful thing about summer is that my boyfriend, Ethan, is in long island, a good two hours away. I mean, granted it isn’t that far, but when you love someone as much as we love each other, two hours feels like a lifetime. He has become my best friend. The one person who I know isn’t afraid of hurting my feelings to tell me that I’m being an idiot. The one person who isn’t afraid to joke around with me and tease me. Yet, he’s the one person who makes me feel like a princess. It’s like being in love for the first time. He has my heart, my trust, and my deepest secrets, all in a safe that can’t be opened. He’s the first person I’ve ever been able to love without fear, and be myself. Oh, and on a bright side, I think he’s extremely handsome. I love him more than words can ever describe, and I hope we’ll be together for a very long time.

But so far this summer, and past year, has taught me how to be myself and not be afraid. It’s taught me that life is a beautiful thing, and you just need to look around for the tiny treasures. People will always come and go, but you need to keep the friends that appreciate the things you do and they’ll be your friends for life. You need to reach out to people, make new friends, smile, laugh, follow your passions and enjoy your day when ever you can. That’s the only way you can live your life, and truly be happy.

“You see the trick is that you’re never supposed to act on it, no matter how unbearable this misery gets.”

so Julia Falk came home, and god I’ve never been happier. But ever since she came home, Jamie has just taken over my friendship with her and I hate Jamie for it. I just want to strangle her, and when I don’t feel like that, I honestly want to punch her in the face so hard her head spins. How DARE she get in the middle of something that means the world to me. A person that honestly is 1/2 my heart and 1/2 my soul. Julia completes me, and I know I complete her. It’s the reason why were so close. We always talk about how we just don’t feel whole unless we’re together. I can’t deal with this anymore. Oh! Now, because I’m bugging out about this, it’s triggering so much more. I ate the tiniest meal earlier, but now I want to puke my brains out cause I feel like shit and I can’t because it’s too late. Plus, I know it’s unhealthy and just not right but I don’t know what to do to feel better. I want to cry, but I can’t because I don’t cry infront of people. Oh god, I just need a way out. A new place that isn’t westchester. A place that makes me feel happy, welcomed, and loved. But here I am, still waiting for that day.

WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO HAVE SUCH GOOD INTENTIONS?! I mean, granted that Jamie is my best friend and holds a huge part of my heart. BUT REALLY?! Like, don’t get in the middle and start messing up something that means the world to me. Especially something that I’ve been waiting on for 2 years to return. It’s such an amazing feeling when I’m with Julia, she just gives me all the confidence and strength a girl should have. I just can’t stand the fact that Jamie means well and is fucking things up at the same time. I just don’t know what to do.

oh god, I need help.

“Slow down, you crazy child and take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile. It’s all right, you can afford to lose a day or two.”

I feel like life just isn’t the same. Actually, scratch that, life isn’t the same. Life recently has been bi polar and I don’t know what’s going to happen next. I’m still freaking out about a gun point situation that didn’t happen to me, yet I was there. I’ve never been more worried in my life about my mother. Oh, and I just want to be able to cry again.
See, I can cry, and I feel better, but it’s just not the same. I miss who I used to be. I miss being able to actually feel emotions other than this fake happiness that’s always plastered to my personality, and I miss being able to be bubbly and continue conversations. All I’ve felt recently is, well, nothing. I can’t feel anything anymore. I can’t be happy for someone, or sad for someone, or even angry at someone. I just feel nothing. It’s the most terrifying emotion ever. I guess I just need a good long cry.

I’ve never been more excited in my life to get out of Westchester. Finally, I’m going to be in the city, at an apartment that contains three things that make me really happy. An amazing best friend for the past 6 years, a crazy ton of Fresca, and a dinner across the street that makes me grin from ear to ear. The city for me isn’t just a city. The city for me is home. It’s a safe haven where I can just walk anywhere and get lost in the people. A place where I can ice-skate my heart out and not feel like a complete dork. And best of all, a place where the greatest group of friends I’ve ever had all come together to create amazing memories. I don’t know why, but no matter how bad I feel, the city just automatically cheers me up. I feel so loved, and so wanted. It’s where I can actually be happy, open, bubbly, and just, well, free. I’m so thankful for something so amazing to be in my life.<3

(6 years of friendship, 4 years of an intense non-dating relationship. Yet I still love you. =\)

“I wait for something good for something great.”

SHORT ENTRY:
(sorry?)

Even though I’m crying hysterically due to the fact that my family is a shit show, I’ve realized something. I have amazing friends that support me when ever they can, and who fill me up with love and happiness every day. I owe them my life and my soul. I would do anything for them.

Emily, Jamie, Tamara, Elise, Bobby, and Ephriam. <3
(that whole crew makes my life.)

“I say, and so say I. My morning days look nothing like it’s nights.”

This morning I woke up in a very simple way, which to me is very odd. I was curled up, my favorite song was on, and I had the greatest smile on my face. I guess my dreams must have been amazing last night. Too bad I can’t remember them.

Today is the day where I get to be artsy and live out my dream a little bit. Jamie and I are going into the city and taking pictures. But not just random pictures, things that inspire us or warms our hearts. Things that tell a story or have an amazing history. The kind of pictures that allow people to show their emotions. Now that all the windows in the major department stores are done, all the tourists will be there. Now, normally I hate tourist season, but today is a special occasion. I love to people watch, especially in a place like New York City. You can easily capture every emotion known to man kind. Plus, luckily, I think I’m going to MOMA (Museum of Modern Art) today. (Yay for Andy Warhol being my all time idol and having pictures there!) I don’t think I’ve been this excited in a while. Yeah, I kind of live for this art stuff. =]

Yesterday was kind of a shit show, to be very honest. I was so happy for so long, thankfully, but then in a blink of an eye it started going down hill. Yet I guess things happen every day to everyone so I can’t really complain. But I feel like today is going to be amazing. Actually, I’m going to make sure it’s amazing, no matter what.

Funny update:
My best friend, Jamie, just texted me saying she’s at my house. I’m still in class and no one at my house knows she’s coming over. Yay for house workers to sneak her in!<3

“Say what you mean to say”

For the past week or two I’ve just been off. I mean, you know when people have their days where nothing goes right and they always feel like crap. Well, that was me. It was like my one crappy day turned into two crappy days which decided to just extended itself to over a week. But then I realized it’s because things were missing in my life. Things that I knew played a huge roll in my life, but I just ignored it. I finally realized that this needs to be fixed.

I lost my best friend for a while. She needed her space. I mean, you can’t blame the girl, especially when she’s going through the hardest battle life can throw your way. The sad thing is, she thinks she’s failing, but in reality she isn’t. She’s doing everything she can to help herself, and it makes me smile every time. I know she’s not happy at all right now, but to know she’s not giving up this fight, even when she claims she is, is the greatest gift ever. Two nights ago she finally came back into my life.<3

I don’t know why, but I’ve been on my A-game. Maybe it’s due to the amazing coffee I made this morning. (Yay for travel mugs!) Or maybe it’s because I finally feel happy again. This huge weight has just been lifted off my shoulders and I’m peaceful again. Now, I know this isn’t going to last due to everything going on right now. But for the couple of hours it’s lasted so far, well, it’s been amazing. So I’m going to live it up while I can. I’m planing on going home, putting on amazing music, and reading. Yes, I love to read, but I can only read when I’m really happy and I don’t know why. So, I’m going to take advantage of the situation while I still can.

(Dear Emily, If you don’t come home the 18th I’ll cry. So I’m counting down until then, a.k.a 7 DAYS!<3)

“Homebird sing, fly me high on an Angels wing.”

It’s the summer all over again, just this time its freezing.

 

Tamara’s home for a while. Bobby comes home today at 7. Ephraim comes home tomorrow. Emily and Andre I don’t know. .

But everyone is just falling apart.

Tamara’s home for a while due to not being able to deal with anything anymore. Bobby kind of drops off the face of the Earth while at school and then acts like nothing has changed when he comes home. Ephraim is dealing with a huge death approaching and is keeping himself together by running away.

Then there’s Emily. A girl that I love with my whole heart but I just don’t know what to do for her anymore. If I’m struggling with the same thing that she is and I haven’t helped myself yet, how can I help her?

So for now I’ll drink tea and read Prozac Nation until Bobby comes home tonight.

“Oh the little magic that a solo brings…”

So basically hell has broken loose through out Purchase campus.

Jamie, even though she’s completely inocent, is being put on trial (thankfully school trial).  Everyone is terrified, because the end result will be suspension and that’s the last thing she diserves.  I feel aweful for the whole thing. Jamie wasn’t even in the room, and because her room mate decided not to talk to her about it and just go to the RA, Jamie is now blamed for the intire thing. I can’t and won’t talk about the case on here because it’s not any ones business, but I needed to rant just a little.

For the past week and half I’ve been so depressed and I don’t really know why. Well, that’s kind of a lie. I know certain reasons why, but they’re not anything that would have affected me the way it did. (If that’s not english, I’m sorry. But it’s the only way I really know how to describe it.) But the hardest battle I’ve been fighting for the majority of my life has now gotten a little easier. There’s this beautiful girl who I swear is the older version of me. Sadly, she goes to grad school in Boston which obviously is way too far for my liking. But I talk to her every day, basically 24/7, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. She’s my constant support system, my reminder that I am worth it and that I am strong (even if I don’t always believe it), and best of all she reminds me that I’m never alone. She honestly is the most important person in my life and that has ever come into my life. No words can describe how thankful I am and how blessed I feel for her being not only my friend, but my best friend. I don’t think I’d make it with out her. 

But I’ve been having a constant battle the past 3 weeks. Sadly, a battle against myself. I feel like every time I look around there is some jaw dropping stunning girl. But the thing is I believe anyone who is thin is jaw dropping stunning, even if they’re not that attractive otherwise. I’ve been having to force myself to eat and yes, I have, but not the way I was for a while. In the past 3 weeks I’ve dropped 10 lbs.. Oh, and did I mention I’m not working out right now? But two days ago I started eating two big meals a day again and I gained back about 3 lbs.. I think that’s good though. Because what I’ve learned is that no matter how bad I feel, and how gorgeous I’d feel when I lost all the weight, I would hate myself. Being unhealthy about it just isn’t good for me, and to be honest, I’m already unhealthy enough. Yet, I also know that no matter how much I lose I’ll still always feel overweight. But atleast I’m trying my hardest to work on it.

But sometimes I wish that I could open up and let certain people in my life know about it. Especially one, because I think he’d understand me a little better, even though he knows me a lot better than most people do. People always think I have this crazy amount of confidence and that I can hold my self in any situations. But really, I’m just terrified and constantly putting myself down. Sometimes it slips out of my mouth and I’ll say things to my girls like “she’s so thin, it’s just not fair”. Yeah, it’s really messed up and it even scares me but there’s not a lot I can do about it except for fighting it as best I can. But yet, I guess that’s life.

Not a lot of happy things have happened recently. I think the only one I can say is I just bought one of those old Polaroid cameras. Yeah, I’m an Indie girl, but it’s not even that. I love the look of polaroids, and how you can write on the bottom of them, or even color them. Plus, I think it gives this specific vintage edge to the pictures. Art is kind of my life. Well, art and music. It warms my soul and always can make me a little happier no matter how bad I feel. So, I’ve been working on a project for this girl who constantly saves me. I’m going up to Boston this saturday with Jamie to go see her, and I’ve never been more excited in my life. I think it’s going to be the best trip to Boston I’ve ever taken and I honestly can’t wait.